Safety first
If the person you are dealing with has ever been violent, threatened you, or controls your money, movements, or contact with others, do not treat these as conversation tactics. Confrontation and leaving can escalate danger. Talk to a domestic-violence advocate before you change how you respond. In the US: 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org. Elsewhere: international directory.

"Why Do You Ask?"

Seconds

Answer an intrusive, oddly specific, or out-of-place question with a friendly question of your own about its purpose, which buys time, reveals intent, and breaks the reflex to answer simply because you were asked.

How to do it

  1. 1Notice the reflex. Most people answer direct questions automatically, correct statements they know to be wrong, and fill silences; elicitation and prying both depend on those habits.
  2. 2When a question reaches for something you would not normally volunteer (your schedule, your finances, who is home, how a system at work is set up, the details of a private relationship), respond lightly with "Why do you ask?" or "What makes you curious about that?"
  3. 3Listen to the answer. A legitimate asker has a reason and gives it easily, and you can then decide how much to share. A vague reason, a change of subject, flattery, or irritation is information.
  4. 4Remember that you may decline even when the reason is fine: "I would rather not get into that" is a complete answer, and so is a cheerful change of subject.
  5. 5Be alert to indirect versions: a deliberately wrong statement that invites correction, a confidence offered so that you will reciprocate, a guess offered as a range ("you must be on at least eighty thousand"). The same deflection works.
  6. 6At work, know what you are not supposed to discuss and route questions about it to the proper channel rather than improvising.

What to say

  • “That is an interesting question. Why do you ask?”
  • “What will you do with that information?”
  • “I do not really talk about that. How about you, how is your project going?”

When to use it

  • •A stranger, a new acquaintance, a caller, or a survey asks for details that would help someone impersonate you, locate you, or map your employer.
  • •A relative, colleague, or acquaintance probes about money, health, relationships, or plans in a way that tends to be used later.
  • •A question carries a presumption you do not accept, and answering it at all would concede the presumption.
  • •Someone you have recently met online steers toward your finances, living situation, or how alone you are.

Counters

ElicitationPretextingLoaded QuestionsPresupposition LoadingJust Asking QuestionsSea LioningCold ReadingHot ReadingStrategic VulnerabilityPush PollingData-Driven Persuasion ProfilingLong-Con Trust-BuildingBoundary Violation TestingTriangulationLeading Questions on Cross-Examination

Evidence and how strong it is

The technique responds to elicitation, the practice of drawing out information through conversation that seems ordinary. The FBI's counterintelligence guidance on elicitation lists the human tendencies it exploits (the wish to be polite and helpful, to appear well informed, to correct others, to reciprocate a confidence) and recommends deflections that include answering a question with a question, giving a nondescript answer, and saying that you cannot discuss the subject. Hadnagy (2018) describes the same tendencies from the practitioner side. In everyday settings the supporting idea is older: assertiveness training holds that you are not obliged to answer a question merely because it was asked (Smith 1975). None of this has been tested experimentally as a defense; the evidence consists of practitioner and agency consensus plus the well-established observation that direct requests, including requests for information, obtain more compliance than people expect (Bohns 2016). Evidence strength: practitioner consensus; no trials.

Cautions
  • If the person questioning you is a controlling or abusive partner or relative, deflecting can be treated as defiance or concealment and can escalate danger, as can confrontation or leaving. Decide what to say with safety first, and plan with a domestic-violence advocate: US 1-800-799-7233 or thehotline.org; hotpeachpages.net lists services in other countries.
  • Tone decides whether this reads as friendly curiosity or as hostility. Said with a smile it is unremarkable; said coldly to a well-meaning person it damages ordinary relationships. Most questions are just conversation.
  • A practiced elicitor has a plausible reason ready. The reply tells you something, not everything; what you share should depend on what the information could be used for, not on how smooth the explanation was.
  • Do not use it on people entitled to an answer, such as a police officer conducting a lawful inquiry, a clinician taking a history, or your employer asking about your work. If you are unsure of your obligations, take legal advice rather than deflecting.
  1. Federal Bureau of Investigation, Counterintelligence Division (2012). Elicitation Techniques (brochure). fbi.gov
    Description of the conversational tendencies elicitation exploits and the recommended deflections, including responding with a question of your own.
  2. Hadnagy, C. (2018). Social Engineering: The Science of Human Hacking (2nd ed.). Wiley
    Practitioner account of elicitation and of why targets answer questions they would refuse if asked formally.
  3. Smith, M. J. (1975). When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Dial Press
    The assertiveness principle that being asked does not create an obligation to answer or to justify declining.
  4. Bohns, V. K. (2016). (Mis)understanding our influence over others: A review of the underestimation-of-compliance effect. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 25(2), 119-123
    Evidence that direct requests obtain more compliance than expected because refusal is socially awkward.
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