InterpersonalABUSE TACTIC

Flying Monkeys

What it is

Recruiting third parties to do your bidding in pressuring, monitoring, or harassing a target.

How it works

Named after the Wicked Witch's minions in The Wizard of Oz, flying monkeys are people enlisted — often unknowingly — to carry out a manipulator's agenda. The manipulator feeds them a one-sided narrative, and these proxies then pressure, guilt-trip, or spy on the target, giving the manipulator influence while maintaining distance.

Real-world examples

  • •A narcissistic parent who gets other family members to call and pressure a child who has set boundaries.
  • •An ex who gets mutual friends to check up on their former partner's dating life and report back.
  • •A workplace bully who gets colleagues to exclude and ostracize the target by spreading gossip.

Ethical guidelines

  • ●This technique is inherently unethical and psychologically harmful. Never use it in any context. If you recognize yourself doing this, seek professional help.
  • ●Do not recruit others into your personal conflicts — address issues directly.
  • ●Before acting on someone's behalf, hear the other side of the story.
  • ●Recognize when you are being used as an intermediary in someone else's manipulation.

How to defend against it

  • ►If this is happening in a relationship where you are afraid of the other person, treat your safety as the first priority: talk to a domestic-violence advocate or hotline before confronting, documenting, or leaving — those steps can escalate risk when done without a plan.
  • ►Limit the information you share with people connected to the manipulator.
  • ►When approached by a flying monkey, ask: "Have you heard my perspective, or only theirs?"
  • ►Set boundaries with people who deliver messages on behalf of someone who should be speaking to you directly.

From the Defense Playbook

The Boundary Scripttakes practice

State a limit as a short sentence about what you will do, not a demand about what the other person must do, and then do it: "If X happens, I will Y."

Every playbook entry states how strong its evidence is and when not to use it. Browse the full playbook.

References

  1. Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. G. P. Putnam's Sons
    Chapter on the abusive man and his allies: how abusers recruit friends, family and professionals with a one-sided narrative so that others pressure the partner on their behalf. 'Flying monkeys' is a popular, not clinical, label for this abuse by proxy.
  2. Leymann, H. (1990). Mobbing and psychological terror at workplaces. Violence and Victims, 5(2), 119–126
    Defines workplace mobbing — a group ganging up on one person, typically initiated by one instigator — the entry's workplace example.
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